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Failure.

8 comments

For 7 months I have tried to reverse what I consider to be my biggest failure of my life. I work hard. I try to improve things. When that doesn’t work, I give up. I know… I’m a type A personality. I’m a leader. A fighter. I strong person. But I can’t fight this fight anymore.

Every day, I wake up—if I even slept that night, and spend an hour dreading work. If I’m on call I fear any chance I have to go in. When I’m ON I get sick. I dread the conversations with coworkers, the tedious tasks, and the shit morale.

I feel as though I’ve failed. I moved my family and implanted us here with no other options… Well… One other option. My initial first choice. The problem is… the THOUGHT of going there could get me fired here. No… It WOULD get me fired.

I’m damn scared. I do NOT want to let my family down. I want need to succeed. I need to prove myself to my family. I need to prove myself to… me. All I want is to be a Paramedic. All I want is to succeed. Yet every move I make ends in failure. My first job was a failure. This is an EPIC failure.

What would you do? I’m signed into a lease for at least a year. Further, I love being here. We are in my hometown, a mile from my parents, an hour from my in-laws, and I feel spoiled. My son certainly is. I know my parents love having a grandchild close. What do I do?

Wish me luck.

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Posted by on June 3, 2009 • Filed under: Failure, father, husband, medic • Tagged: , , ,
  • Lis B

    It sounds like you know what you need to do. Good luck.

  • Music Medic

    All of us have felt at one time or another similar to how you feel now, We all fail sometimes.. In fact, I failed an exam that I spent 25+ hours studying for yesterday! EMS is a tough career, and there are certainly assholes that we have to deal with. Sorry to hear that you dread work man.. I wish I had some advice for you.

  • medicblog999

    Wishing you all the best thoughts I can muster mate. The only bit of advice I can give is that if you want it bad enough it will eventually come. I can remember going through my para course, some of my colleagues were struggling with all the mind games etc. I just figured that I really wanted this career and I will jump through whatever hoops I am told to as long as my goal remains in site.
    As for dreading going into work, I can only assume that is due to the people you work with, rather than the job itself?
    If that's the case, sod them all. If your as dedicated as it seems, you will eventually be senior to them all then they will be singing to your tune!
    It isn't going to be easy, but it will be worth it! I hope that I will be reading a post from you in the future where you get to your goal and realise that all the shit was ultimately worth it.
    Thinking of you!

  • Jane

    Don't underestimate the bombshell that having a young child is on your life. My children are now 7 and 14 but when we had them I felt like my life as I thought I knew it had been blasted apart and re-arranged in a way I didn't get. It took a long time to learn to adapt and be able to give attention to anything else. I am going through my assessments at the moment to become a trainee Paramedic and think that to be strong enough and dedicated enough to get as far as you have you must be a very special person. You have to experience life's downs to appreciate the ups, including work. People move on, relationships change but a vocation remains that – something that is special to you and who you are and makes up part of you. I wish you all the very best and will be looking in on you to see how you are x

  • Medic(three)

    Thanks guys! Jane, I certainly feel as though we've experienced some of life's downs…. and by some, I mean lots!

    Things are looking up. I'm really hoping for a 100 percent positive turn around in just a few days. Things are all but locked in.

    Stay tuned!

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